Our Loveless Society

Have you ever felt your heart cracking up? Not the expression no, the literal meaning.

I have. I’m feeling it right now.

We live in a world where society, an empty entity, has got us by the throat. We live our life in fear of society but are we not society itself? It scares me how public opinion, a force that should be ours, is no longer ours to control but ours to fear and obey. We joke about selective hearing, listening, reading, and thinking, but that is exactly the irony of it. We tend to joke about reality.

I’m person of great belief, hope, faith, and optimism (I’m listing them all in a hopeless try to keep them within.) I feel like we have finally arrived to a world where freedom is our key-less shackles, where freedom of speech is a treacherous friend, and freedom of thought is a prison, where I and so many others, live in everyday.

Why am I even writing these words?

In the hopes of someone hearing the muted screams behind my every brush of ink? Or for the sake of naivety… that these might change something in the world someday? ( It’s pathetic, I wanted to say the world but changing the world seems so far away). Even for those cursed enough to know that globalization and connectivity only seek to tear us apart, solitude now seems like the only viable solution. I have so many thoughts to say and even more letters to add but because I want someone to read these words I shall refrain from saying them out loud.

Human rights? Shallow ideas for the shallow minded.

Excuse my words, I’d fight for an ant being stepped upon but what’s the use when you’re in turn being stepped on by that soulless entity, society. We speak of freedom each in his own mind but in a group we seek to be civilized. It’s sad because the definition of ‘civilized’ here is actually scared and oppressed. We seek that? Yes we do. With every man we reject, with every friend we neglect, we do.

I am so far off topic now it’s futile to try and go back. A world where a father would not only dare think of it, but would even say it to his son, “You are no longer my son.” Tears dwell up in my eyes but of what use? I’ll never give that kid his childhood back; or the father his parenthood.

We have spun uncontrollably out of order and sanity yet we speak of norms and society.

Truth and Freedom, golden promises aren’t they? I am someone who believed/believes in the genuine good in people. But if people have thrown out the good and replaced it with hate and prejudice, what good can ‘good’ do me anymore? We advance in time yet step back in mind. I now believe we have hit our climax as a species a long time ago where discoveries actually required an effort outdoors and not a click on all fours. We are stepping back down towards collapse and chaos for we have forsaken love. The world needs a taste of hate to appreciate the love we have… we had?

I wrote these words in the hopes that someone would read them and understand the sadness boiling inside of me but all I’ve done now is throw you more off course because I am afraid of these words falling in the wrong hands. Society only serves as a magnifying glass to our own judgment of ourselves. We are hated for loving the wrong person. Again we go back to the definition of ‘wrong’ that set by an empty entity, society. I have heard and read so much about love in religion, in books, in our community and everywhere I go to the point where I really felt that love could drive us as a species someday. Yet we chose hate, prejudice, discrimination and selfishness to be our driving motives. The central theme has always been love as it should be always. Yet I have found love only in pages left for the dust to cover, and in words left in the wind to hover, as we are left in the cold to suffer. The hope in me denies me the pleasure of ending these words with sadness but every time I end up saying more and understanding less. I shall keep my faith and hope within reach for the sake of faith and hope.     H-H

Our Loveless Society

Am I Alive?

“Am I alive?”

Those three words haunt me like a monstrous creature from deep within the confines of my own thoughts.

It is never clear whether I am saying these words or whether someone else is, someone trying to send me a message, someone trying to make me see things more evidently.

I find myself constantly in the midst of a hurricane of thoughts that are not complete, thoughts that are vague and conflicting. Like looking at someone – something– from behind a frosted glass wall; lacking shape or form, lacking anything and everything that makes them whole.

You once said to me that you have loved someone once from your heart, and after that you started loving from your dick.

Oh, your dick, I can feel my mouth watering at the memory of its taste.

What’s so special about you? What makes you different from the others? And why the hell do you have to be so damn oblivious to how I feel because of you?

I am not sure what makes different from all the guys that I’ve had sex with, maybe it’s the way you like to manhandle me, or the way you like to dominate and have control over every part of my body when I’m with you; even when we’re kissing, your tongue is the one that’s in charge, not mine, your hands are the one holding me close while mine only rest gently on your chest.

‘I love your pussy’… You said that to me last time as your tongue swirled around my hole. Maybe you just said it without thinking, but it made my heart go wild and ever since then I’ve been in a phase of confusion. I found myself hanging at every single word you say to me, analyzing it and contemplating whether it had some other metaphorical meaning that I’m supposed to understand. I found myself in a state of obsession. Yes, I was obsessed with you like a creep. I waited for you to sleep that night and then turned around and stared at you while you slept like the little pervert that I am. Your mouth was slightly open and your eyelashes were fanned against your cheeks and I swear at that moment I really was sure that there is a God… Because nature cannot just simply make something so prefect and beautiful by coincidence.

The first time we had sex and you shook me to wake up I thought you were the biggest asshole, but then I realized that’s just you; that’s just the way you are and the way you’re programmed. And then that last time… That last time you gently placed your hand over my arm and asked me nicely to leave so you can go to work… I got into the taxi and I was smiling and the taxi guy was looking at me like I was crazy, and then I got out and walked the rest of the way home and I was smiling and the people on the street were looking at me like I was crazy. And maybe I am. Because if just a simple nice gesture by you could make me feel that way then maybe I am crazy.

I want to be yours. I want you to own my body, control it, claim it as yours and never leave it for anyone else to have. I want to be yours so I can watch you sleep some more, and so that I can wake up before you do and make you breakfast like the good little puppy that I am…. Puppy… If only you had any idea how much this word makes me happy, it makes feel like I have a place in this world, and that’s on your bed, worshiping you…. submitting to you… making sure you get all the pleasure you can from my body.

My friends make fun of me when I tell them how much I enjoy submitting to you. They laugh because they don’t know how much pleasure it gives me to be controlled by you, to have your strong arms wrapped around my waist in a tight grip as you passionately kiss me.

Am I alive? 

Yes… but only when I’m with you.

I can only be alive when I’m with you. I can only be alive when your arms are wrapped around me and your tongue is in my mouth and your dick is inside of me. I can only be alive when all of my holes are filled by you.       L

Am I Alive?